Choosing Your Wedding Sidekick: How to Pick a Person of Honor

Choosing your person of honor is more than just another box on your wedding to-do list — it’s about finding someone who can stand by your side (and keep you sane!) throughout the excitement and stress of planning a wedding. Naturally, you want to pick someone close to you. However, it’s just as important to select someone who can handle the pressure of staying organized and navigating potential family drama with grace (or at least with a glass of champagne in hand).

When considering this major decision, Kelley Nudo of Momental Designs suggests making a list of qualities you expect from your person of honor.

“It might be important that the person has been with you for the long haul, through thick and thin,” she says. “Valuing qualities such as loyal, dependable, trustworthy, fun-loving, always cool and collected, takes charge, has grace under fire or the ability to give a great speech or toast might be things you add to your list as well.”

As you prepare for your biggest day, you deserve someone who will have your back from the first RSVP to the last dance. Here’s how to find that perfect person who can handle the honor (and the occasional emotional meltdown) like a pro.

Understand the Role’s Pressure

Being a person of honor is more than just dressing up and giving a toast — there’s real pressure involved, so you need to choose someone who can handle the responsibility.

“While it is an immense honor, this role requires a lot of resources and energy,” Twickenham House and Hall’s Liney Castle confirms. “Look for someone who has the time and finances to put into the role of person of honor.”

From organizing bridal showers to coordinating wedding party duties, you need someone self-motivated and able to keep up with the demands. Can they commit fully to your wedding planning process without feeling stretched thin? Think about what you’re asking them to do before popping the question.

“If the person you are considering for the “person of honor” role has a demanding family or work life, or perhaps you know they are unable to financially contribute, he or she might not be the best pick,” Nudo states.

If someone isn’t the best fit for your person of honor, that’s not to say you can’t involve them on your wedding day. Instead, ask them to take on a lower-pressure role, like a bridesmaid or groomsman, ceremony reader, usher, or greeter.

Consider Organization Skills

Between juggling pre-wedding events and keeping the wedding party in check, organization is key to being a person of honor. Can you trust this person with your wedding shower? Will they know how to delegate tasks to the rest of the wedding party?

“A person of honor needs to be organized and capable of overseeing your entire wedding party,” wedding photographer Kara Hanes explains. “They’ll be planning your pre-wedding traditions with you and ensuring your group stays informed about what is expected of them.”

On top of staying organized, wedding photographer and videographer Craig Peterman stresses the importance of a person of honor you can rely upon.

“Reliability is paramount to choosing your person of honor,” he affirms. “While it’s tempting to go with a lifelong best friend, you need someone who’s reliable and can take on the responsibilities of being your Person of Honor.”

Whether it’s keeping everyone on schedule for fittings or creating an itinerary for the bachelor(ette) party, you need someone who takes their role seriously. Choose someone who thrives on making lists and meeting deadlines, so you know they will follow through when you need help. Otherwise, you might end up with more headaches than expected!

Choose Someone Who Can Handle Family Situations

Weddings have a way of bringing out all the emotions — and sometimes a little drama. From disputes within the wedding party to overstepping family members, you should trust your person of honor to step in when a tricky situation occurs.

“They are the ones we rely on to calm down family members and friends that may be stressed and handle any issues that may arise,” Khloe Jackson of W Events agrees. “The most valuable gift the person of honor brings to a wedding is the protection of good energy for the couple, so they won’t have to deal with negativity on their special day!”

Look for someone known for being cool under pressure and unafraid to play referee if someone stirs up drama. They will be your calm in the storm every step of the way.

Loni Peterson of LP Creative Events encourages couples to ask: “Will this person help reduce the potential drama with family members, anticipate needs and help keep the peace? Will they be open and accepting of all the loved ones in my life that I want with me on my special day?”

Having someone who can handle family dynamics and smooth over a tense situation will eliminate unnecessary stress, allowing you to stay focused on what truly matters — celebrating your love!

Pick a Married Person, If Possible

If you have the option, choosing someone who’s been through the wedding planning process can be a game-changer. Since they’ve been in your shoes, they know firsthand what it takes to pull off a wedding and how they can support you best.

Of course, that might not be an option if you’re the first in your friend group or family to get married — but, if possible, consider asking a married person to fill the role.

“The person of honor has a key role outside of the duties of a wedding planner,” explains Casey Cannon of EBJ & Company. “They can deal with more personal matters of the couple and assist with tough family dynamics on the wedding day. Choosing someone already married is important because they will remember how they felt and what they needed on their day, and be ready to accompany the couple in that way.”

Thanks to their experience, they can advise on every aspect of the planning process, from navigating emotions to dealing with guest list challenges. They’ve been there, done that, and have the marriage to show for it — having them in your corner is invaluable!

Don’t Feel Confined to Others’ Expectations

When choosing your person of honor, remember that this is your day — so don’t feel pressured by tradition or other people’s expectations. This decision is entirely yours to make. Asking someone to be your person of honor should be an honor, not an obligation!

“Don’t allow friends or family to pressure you into making a decision based on tradition or familial expectations,” wedding photographer Colton Simmons stresses. “This is your wedding and you should choose the person who best fits the role, so if that means your sister doesn’t get chosen, that is perfectly okay.”

With that said, you might face some tension if you opt for someone other than the “expected” person. If that’s the case, Nudo recommends “having a conversation with that person to explain and smooth things over would likely be helpful to avoid hurt feelings.”

Similarly, modern weddings have evolved past many antiquated traditions, including gender-specific wedding parties. Don’t let outdated ideas of “maid of honor” and “best man” limit you!

“It is 2024 now, and an increasingly large number of couples are choosing to forgo the old-school gender roles and simply include the people closest to them on their side of the wedding party,” wedding photographer Nikki Golden assures. “Feel free to make both sides of the wedding party co-ed instead of separating them for tradition’s sake.”

There’s only one rule to follow when choosing your person of honor: Pick someone who will support you through the chaos and celebration, making your experience as stress-free as possible. Remember that this decision is about your happiness, not anyone else’s expectations — follow your heart, and you won’t go wrong!

Meghan Ely is the owner of wedding PR and wedding marketing firm OFD Consulting. Ely is a sought-after speaker and a self-professed royal wedding enthusiast.